


The Questionnaire

by Meltha



Category: Angel: the Series, Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Memes, Multi, POV
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-19
Updated: 2012-01-19
Packaged: 2017-10-29 19:48:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,091
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/323504
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Meltha/pseuds/Meltha
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Darla, Spike, Angel, and Drusilla answer a few questions about themselves.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Darla's Answers

**Author's Note:**

  * For [sionnain](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sionnain/gifts).



> Disclaimer: All characters are owned by Mutant Enemy (Joss Whedon), a wonderfully creative company whose characters I have borrowed for a completely profit-free flight of fancy. Kindly do not sue me, please, as I am terrified of you. Thank you.
> 
> Author's Note: This questionnaire was created by Sionnain to help writers get inside characters' brains.

What's the worst thing someone could do?

 _Be stupid._

What's the worst thing someone could do to you?

 _Stake me, I suppose. Particularly if I happened to be his sire._

What's the worst thing that could happen to you?

 _Needing someone else._

What's the worst thing someone could say about a person?

 _That they're insipid._

What's the best thing someone could say about a person?

 _"You win."_

Are men and women basically different?

 _Yes, and no. Both are interested in control, but the way they get control is different. Men get it through brute force or assertiveness, usually. Women get it by making men believe what they want was originally the man's idea._

Which is better, to be a woman or to be a man?

 _If your strengths are mental, better to be a woman. If they're physical, better to be a man._

What can men do that women can't do?

 _Get fat without comment._

What can women do that men can't do?

 _You mean other than have babies and wind up a bunch of ash in a puddle? We can at least appear to be dumb as a post and still be multi-millionaires without anyone wondering why._

Is it possible to change genders?

 _I don't know and don't care._

How old is old enough to have sex?

 _I was born in the 1500s when they married kids off as soon as puberty hit._

Is it wrong to have sex if you're unmarried?

 _Only if you don't tip._

Is it wrong to have sex with someone other than your spouse if you're married?

 _Like I said, only if you don't tip._

Is it wrong to have sex with a person of the same gender?

 _Only... give me a break. Who wrote this? A Puritan? Bush? Penn?_

Is it wrong to have sex with a person of a different race (or a different intelligent non-human species)?

 _If it is, I don't care._

Is it wrong to have more than one sexual partner at the same time?

 _See above._

Is it wrong to have sex with someone you don't love?

::laughs:: _I think it's worse to be a sentimental sap who thinks love actually exists._

What are the responsibilities of a mother toward a child?

 _Once, I would have said not much. Now, everything._

What are the responsibilities of a father toward a child?

 _Apparently, shoving him into a amnesiac foster home is the ultimate form of love there._

What are the responsibilities of a child toward a parent?

 _Not staking them._

Which should be more important to you, your parent or your child?

 _Child._

Which should be more important to you, your parent or your spouse?

 _Spouse._

Which should be more important to you, your child or your spouse?

 _Child._

Is it wrong to have a child if you're unmarried?

 _Unmarried? I was undead._

Is abortion wrong?

 _I tried it several times and it didn't work._

Is contraception wrong?

 _It shouldn't even be an issue._

Is there one true religion?

 _No._

Does a deity or deities exist?

 _There are Powers, obviously, but I don't think they resemble any known version of a deity._

How important is it to believe in a deity or deities?

 _It's not important to me._

How important is it to actively practice your religion?

 _I don't have one._

Does magic exist?

 _I got magically pregnant almost 400 years after I died. You guess._

Is practicing magic wrong?

 _If it bothers me or mine, yes. That includes meddling Romani._

Is killing always wrong?

 _No._

Is war always wrong?

 _No._

How old is old enough to fight in a war?

 _I don't care as long as Connor doesn't wind up in one._

Is rape always wrong?

 _For whom?_

Is torture always wrong?

 _Only if you're doing it wrong._

Is theft always wrong?

 _Rarely._

Is slavery wrong?

 _I find it boring. Taking away freedom is one thing, but getting a person to freely give up their autonomy, that's delicious._

Is lying wrong?

 _It's one of the few things that makes life interesting. If you never lie, there's no mystery. Only the unintelligent never lie._

Is swearing wrong?

 _I usually find it crude._


	2. Spike's Answers

What's the worst thing someone could do?

 _Betrayal._

What's the worst thing someone could do to you?

 _Lie when they say "I love you."_

What's the worst thing that could happen to you?

 _I've been incinerated, dumped, chipped, beaten up by a goddess, and publically humiliated. None of that compares to seeing Buffy die. The worst thing is being unable to help the person I love._

What's the worst thing someone could say about a person?

 _That they are worthless._

What's the best thing someone could say about a person?

 _That they are enough._

Are men and women basically different?

 _I can't understand women at all, so I'd have to say yes._

Which is better, to be a woman or to be a man?

 _I think birds have it a bit better. They sit there looking pretty while we fall all over ourselves to get their attention._

What can men do that women can't do?

 _Run properly amuck. Women rarely let themselves really go, even if they're three sheets to the wind._

What can women do that men can't do?

 _They can pout a lot better and actually be taken seriously while they do it._

Is it possible to change genders?

 _Well, personally, I think Angel is a big woman now, so yeah._

How old is old enough to have sex?

 _In Dawn's case, not until she's 40, which is also a good age for marriage for her. For the general populace, usually 17._

Is it wrong to have sex if you're unmarried?

 _No. Unless you are Dawn. Then yes._

Is it wrong to have sex with someone other than your spouse if you're married?

 _Yes._

Is it wrong to have sex with a person of the same gender?

 _No._

Is it wrong to have sex with a person of a different race (or a different intelligent non-human species)?

 _No. Though some seem to think it is._

Is it wrong to have more than one sexual partner at the same time?

 _If they don't know about each other? You're in for hell then._

Is it wrong to have sex with someone you don't love?

 _If they're aware you're not in love with them, not necessarily, but it can lead to a mess._

What are the responsibilities of a mother toward a child?

 _She needs to raise 'em up so they can be on their own._

What are the responsibilities of a father toward a child?

 _Not to bloody well die or run off when the kid's 12._

What are the responsibilities of a child toward a parent?

 _Being conscientious of them and attempting to relieve their suffering._

Which should be more important to you, your parent or your child?

 _Child._

Which should be more important to you, your parent or your spouse?

 _Spouse._

Which should be more important to you, your child or your spouse?

 _I'll say spouse, but it's a close call._

Is it wrong to have a child if you're unmarried?

 _No._

Is abortion wrong?

 _I really don't like dealing with women's issues. Leave me out of it._

Is contraception wrong?

 _You've got to be bloody crazy to be a human and not use a rubber._

Is there one true religion?

 _No._

Does a deity or deities exist?

 _Yes, but I'm not sure how that fits in the picture._

How important is it to believe in a deity or deities?

 _I don't see it making a tremendous difference usually._

 _How important is it to actively practice your religion?_

 __If you believe something, go with it._ _

Does magic exist?

 _You kidding me there? Please._

Is practicing magic wrong?

 _If you lose control it is._

Is killing always wrong?

 _No._

Is war always wrong?

 _I've never seen one that went well for all involved._

How old is old enough to fight in a war?

 _I don't know, but saying someone is old enough because she's got a calling, even if she's only 13, is plain stupid._

Is rape always wrong?

 _God, yes._

Is torture always wrong?

 _Not if it's the only way to get answers. Or if it's fun._

Is theft always wrong?

 _No. Sometimes it's necessary. Also, if the person being thieved from is Angel, it's fun._

Is slavery wrong?

 _On racial grounds, absolutely. On inter-species grounds, say demons to humans, I'd actually still say yes. You saw how that went with the Initiative._

Is lying wrong?

 _Not always._

Is swearing wrong?

 _If it is, I don't want to be right. I'd be all but mute._


	3. Angel's Answers

What's the worst thing someone could do?

 _Kill someone._

What's the worst thing someone could do to you?

 _Take away my soul._

What's the worst thing that could happen to you?

 _Again, losing my soul._

What's the worst thing someone could say about a person?

 _That they're evil._

What's the best thing someone could say about a person?

 _That they're redeemed._

Are men and women basically different?

 _Yes. We have very different views of the world. Also, women seem to have some sort of reverence for shoes I don't completely understand._

Which is better, to be a woman or to be a man?

 _I prefer being a man because it's what I know._

What can men do that women can't do?

 _I think we can state things more directly than they do._

What can women do that men can't do?

 _Be openly emotional._

Is it possible to change genders?

 _I turned into a puppet once. I'd say anything is possible._

How old is old enough to have sex?

 _Connor shouldn't for a very long time. I was 14 and extremely stupid._

Is it wrong to have sex if you're unmarried?

 _I don't want to know if Connor is. And... no._

Is it wrong to have sex with someone other than your spouse if you're married?

 _Yes. Actually, I think it's wrong to have sex with someone other than your soulmate, even if the two of you can't be together. But I have._

Is it wrong to have sex with a person of the same gender?

 _No moreso than with someone of a different gender._

Is it wrong to have sex with a person of a different race (or a different intelligent non-human species)?

 _I'd be awfully silly if I said yes to that. However, a different intelligent non-human species inhabiting a former friend of yours is something else. That's just sick._

Is it wrong to have more than one sexual partner at the same time?

 _Possibly._

Is it wrong to have sex with someone you don't love?

 _In my case, it's the only way I can. So probably yes._

What are the responsibilities of a mother toward a child?

 _She should love them._

What are the responsibilities of a father toward a child?

 _Same thing, no matter what, more than anyone else._

What are the responsibilities of a child toward a parent?

 _I'm not sure they have "responsibilities" so to speak._

Which should be more important to you, your parent or your child?

 _Child._

Which should be more important to you, your parent or your spouse?

 _I've never had a spouse._

Which should be more important to you, your child or your spouse?

 _Child._

Is it wrong to have a child if you're unmarried?

 _My mother would be rolling over in her grave._

Is abortion wrong?

 _I'm not comfortable with the concept._

Is contraception wrong?

 _No._

Is there one true religion?

 _If there is, I don't know about it._

Does a deity or deities exist?

 _Yes. Someone up there enjoys screwing with me far too much for this to all be accidental._

How important is it to believe in a deity or deities?

 _I think it can help._

How important is it to actively practice your religion?

 _I haven't been to Mass in about 80 years. I went to confession once in the 1950s, though. The priest had to send one of the altar boys for take-out we were in there so long._

Does magic exist?

 _Yes._

Is practicing magic wrong?

 _Only sometimes._

Is killing always wrong?

 _Evil people are okay to kill._

Is war always wrong?

 _Not always._

How old is old enough to fight in a war?

 _Connor isn't old enough._

Is rape always wrong?

 _Always._

Is torture always wrong?

 _Yes. Sometimes it feels good, though._

Is theft always wrong?

 _No._

Is slavery wrong?

 _I vaguely remember it from when I was alive. I didn't really like it._

Is lying wrong?

 _Not always._

Is swearing wrong?

 _It's sort of... boring. People who swear all the time seem not to have anything intelligent to say. Sort of like Spike._


	4. Drusilla's Answers

What's the worst thing someone could do?

 _Leave._

What's the worst thing someone could do to you?

 _Leave._

What's the worst thing that could happen to you?

 _Alone forever._

What's the worst thing someone could say about a person?

 _"Not my little girl anymore."_

What's the best thing someone could say about a person?

 _"Pretty princess, stay forever by my side, never leave one so pretty."_

Are men and women basically different?

 _Men look silly in dresses. Mostly. Some don't._

Which is better, to be a woman or to be a man?

 _Women are fallen by birth from kinship to Eve. I like being a woman._

What can men do that women can't do?

 _Go to war and vote, or they could. I forget when and which is true._

What can women do that men can't do?

 _Babies. But I can't. Cold, smooth babies for me, porcelain and eyeless._

Is it possible to change genders?

 _No. Ladies are ladies and gentlemen are gentleman and whores are whores, and the world turns round._

How old is old enough to have sex?

 _Dirty thing. Never. Never old enough for the pain._

Is it wrong to have sex if you're unmarried?

 _Yes. But I do._

Is it wrong to have sex with someone other than your spouse if you're married?

 _Yes. But I do._

Is it wrong to have sex with a person of the same gender?

 _Yes. But I like it._

Is it wrong to have sex with a person of a different race (or a different intelligent non-human species)?

 _Not more so than usual, but one is damned anyway._

Is it wrong to have more than one sexual partner at the same time?

 _I'm damned already. No lilies and feathery white wings for me when I die. No happy home. Not now, not then. Pretties make it go away for a bit._

Is it wrong to have sex with someone you don't love?

 _Little jumping Joan is all alone. Lovely words and kisses and caresses are nice and sweet, but they don't warm the heart that's frozen through._

What are the responsibilities of a mother toward a child?

 _Mummies and babies are together for always, queens and princesses and grandmummies who stay and love and give pretty presents to their little girls._

What are the responsibilities of a father toward a child?

 _He shouldn't take everything all away and leave a great gaping hole shaped like himself that walks and talks but won't fill itself up with him._

What are the responsibilities of a child toward a parent?

 _Love, love, love, love, love for days and nights and eternities of winter and summer and spring._

Which should be more important to you, your parent or your child?

 _Love them both. But Daddy is favorite of all. It's his right, you see._

Which should be more important to you, your parent or your spouse?

 _Filial duty is paramount to all else, though vows of obedience by the holy priest are important too. It is perplexing._

Which should be more important to you, your child or your spouse?

 _What if your child is your spouse, and also your grandmummy? Confusion, whirling round._

Is it wrong to have a child if you're unmarried?

 _Very. You shall go to hell for it. I'll see you there, and we'll have fun._

Is abortion wrong?

 _I hear them calling sometimes._

Is contraception wrong?

 _The Church says yes. I was a good girl, unspoiled of flesh. Is that not contraception, though, for I could not bear little ones without bedding a darling? Is chastity wrong, then?_

Is there one true religion?

 _In nomine patris, et fils, et spiritus sancte, I remember from long ago. To know, to love, and to worship so one day we can be with Daddy in heaven. But Daddy left. The church's roof caved in, and I sit staring at the icons painted over with dirty souls, weeping in the dust, wondering why the Angel fled._

Does a deity or deities exist?

 _Yes._

How important is it to believe in a deity or deities?

 _It's the most important thing in the world._

How important is it to actively practice your religion?

 _I do, but not the old way. The way Angelus taught me, that is devotion._

Does magic exist?

 _Everywhere. All over. Spinning like little spinning wheels with sharp spindles, waiting to pick a princess's fingers. There were two spindles in my throat, and when I awoke, Prince Charming waited for me, naked as the dawn I never saw again, with whips that drew blood red as sunset clouds._

Is practicing magic wrong?

 _Very. Condemned. Damned. Lost. Alone._

Is killing always wrong?

 _No._

Is war always wrong?

 _Merry drums going patter-pat off to the war, bringing drinks to all and sundry._

How old is old enough to fight in a war?

 _The little drummer boys were 12, still filled with Teddy bear thoughts, though he wasn't born. Crunch. Dreams inside me now, floating with the others._

Is rape always wrong?

 _Remember hurt. Wrong. Very wrong. But the wind blows one way and another, and one can only go where it blows, and obedience, even when it is wrong, is a great virtue. At least, I suppose it is._

Is torture always wrong?

 _No. Love it so. Feel the dancing of the knives across shins and tummies. Mine, often. Daddy signed his name in bright red hearts all over me._

Is theft always wrong?

 _It's a sin to steal. Especially a heart. Angelus knew I loved them so._

Is slavery wrong?

 _When it is willing, when one chooses to be the vassal to the queen, then it's lovely._

Is lying wrong?

 _It'll turn your tongue black as sin. Like the giraffes in the zoo. Open wide and see the lies running about._

Is swearing wrong?

 _Most indecent._


End file.
